my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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