I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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