Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
