Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
