I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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