that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
