My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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