Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The air was thick with penises
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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