I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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