my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
