Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
