The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
