if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
