Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
