i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
