i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
