i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
