there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
