I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
