Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
being pregnant is like rehab
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
