i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
