I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
MIDGETS
????
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
