On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
