Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
