If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
