who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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