shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
