I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
