I met the friendliest cop last night
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
