my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
