I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
please don't ironically join a cult
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