I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
