I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
