My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
