Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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