i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
