i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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