I can text with my tongue
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
