Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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