put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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