My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
