I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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