What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
