i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
