Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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