i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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