i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
