Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
