I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
