totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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