My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
