Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I am mentally ready for anal.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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