It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize