Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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