How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
