So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
