this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Drunk is not a location!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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