not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
