my phone needs a breathalizer
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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