Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
